An Impossible Eternity...

Distraction galore happens,
Confusion sets in.
Lost in thought I wander around
About what I know not.
Unsure and unnerved,
This feeling that devours me.
I have not a name for it...
I look for solace in places I had not considered,
Befriending strangers,
Finding common ground in unchartered territory.
Alone in a crowd,
Alienated amongst friends
I look for something,
Something I can't see,
Can't touch.
Something that is a longing for me
A longing for something I do not know.
Is it a feeling,an object or a person?
Ask me not because I know not...
And so I stay lost
In my reverie.
This pondering about something intangible,
So necessary and yet elusive.
Evasive.
I wonder and brood,
Depression???
I ask myself.
There is a deficiency that is in me,
That I cannot seem to fill
Hard as I try.
And I am blessed
No lack of privilege
And yet...
And my trials and my tribulations are mine alone
I realise.
And I realise I am not sad,
I have no regrets
Just thoughts of what has passed,
What was and never will be.
Helpless as I am
I smile at the irony
A bittersweet irony.
A dream of a forever
A forever shattered for good.
An impossible eternity!
A nervousness seeps in
Into the blood that runs through my veins
And into the corners of my soul
Eating into me
My very existence.
The possibilty of the new
Of the unknown.
There is a nervous excitement
Anticipation
Of what can be, might be
And that the heart says
Should be...

To Write or Not...

With a purpose to write
I took up my pen,
To write of things beautiful and romantic
Of things happy and wondrous
And the paper would not fill.
To look for poetry in the mundane
A challenge.
I looked around for inspiration
Running into nothingness.
And then I looked within
At memory and experience.
The writer in me realised
There were things dark and grim
In the crevices of my mind...
Pain and anguish,
Confusion.
Denial.
And yet...
Hope.
And so I wrote of things I knew
Personal and yet universal...
Then flowed the words out of my pen
And then lay my pen to rest.

Lonely Paths

You are born alone
Into this world you are brought in by the Lord.
There are friends and there is family
And yet you are alone.
Alone and you walk
From stepping stone to the next
From role to role,
Living it up!
And yet there is emptiness.
And then you are in a crowd
And you are lonelier still...
And you wait for that someone
That someone you love.
Someone you know loves you
And yet has forgotten you.
And yet you wait, wait in vain?
I wonder,
This I wonder as I wander along my lonely paths...

Survival...

A fading memory
Of a distant past
Long gone
And yet an undeniable truth.
A realisation sinks in of what was
What is.
An ache,
A smile escapes me.
Forgiveness.
Acceptance of what was and will never be again...
And then faith
Hope of new horizons
New priorities
A shift in paradigm.
Hard yet necessary.
Something unfathomable
Sometimes exciting possibilities
Sometimes looming and fearful
The future.
Uncertainties and impossibilities
Imposing and worrisome.
The paradox and the extremes
Painful and yet addictive,
An experience.
I hope and promise myself then
Only to look ahead with undying optimism
And always an unwavering faith
The eternal cycle of life
An inevitable truth.

A Road Less Traveled

An empty void,
A deserted road.
A house in shambles,
Not a soul around...
And that is what my heart is...
Soulless,
Friendless...
I smile and am merry
And then lie awake at night staring at nothingness,
Wondering about the void that is in me.
A void am okay with
That I do not feel the need to fill.
Should I feel sad?
Should I cry?
Or should I be exhilarated
With this new-found independence?
An independence that stops me from being a leech,
A parasite!
And that deserted road, my mind, my heart
Shall have a sole traveler still.
Someone who shall enjoy the journey
And map the road,
A road less traveled into his travel route.
I shall wait and hope for him to revisit
And maybe mark a spot
And lay a foundation...
A foundation he would want to call home one day,
One day,
And then forever...
I hold out for that lone traveler
Who likes the road less traveled,
Unknown territory.
A journey for a few brave men,
For a few good men,
Or better still
That one good brave man...
My lone traveler.
And I think this as I lie there
Staring at the nothingness,
Absolute void,
Within
And without...