The Schoolgirl

I hate you for the way you smile
And make me twist like a pretzel for you
I hate you for hanging up on me
And making me feel like a schoolgirl
I hate you for the things I want to say
And I choose to camouflage and suppress
I hate you for every lie that I let slip through my lips
And think it will save my face
I hate you for the times you don't turn up
And I lie to myself that I don't care
I hate you for the bond we share,
And something else, something more
I hate you for the way you make me feel
Weak in the knees and the knot in my stomach
And most of all I hate you for the fact
That no matter what you do
I don't hate you, not a bit, not at all

Conflict...

A wanderer at heart,
Solitude I have reveled in you
My true friend.
And yet there is something amiss and you are not enough
Conflicted between ideals and experience
I wander looking for the missing anchor.
Something once realised, is craved like pure water in the desert
Denial and sufferance a punishment
Silent and painful.
I call upon that bank of moral fiber
Of every shred of strength
To laugh it away.
The frigidity forgotten, a long lost memory
A warmth that spreads through me
Real and all consuming.
The conflict between the desire and the reality
The essence understood yet ignored.
Repress and forget
A terrible but necessary exercise.
Turbulent and troublesome
I abhor myself.
A conflict of affection and the degree
The need and the expectation.
I expected no less.
And wanted no more.
Darkness of wanton desires
Light up the dark crevices of my rudderless mind.
The peace I had the illusion of
Suddenly lost and shattered.
Disappointment and regret
And yet pathetically
Denial.

Along Came A Boy...

He sauntered in nonchalantly,
Not just through the doors
But head-along into my life.
My regimented choc-a-bloc life that I had put together,
Closed from within to interference.
He just glided right in with his goodwill and open heart.
Unassuming and unobtrusive,
I got used to his ways.
A shared joke,
A twinkling eye and the winsome smile
Yes, we were friends for sure!
Two kindred spirits similar yet unfamiliar,
Pleasant surprise as the lives twined in each other,
Inevitable and unquestioning.
The camaraderie so natural
It was baffling.
My guards went down ready to go up at the shortest notice
As I watched guarded at every action, every silence.
The more I saw the more I wanted to know
To befriend and embrace an untapped happiness.
The missing piece to the puzzle of my life.
All tales foretold and expectations aside
Here was a fondness I couldn't suppress,
A fondness that seemed to know no bounds...
I called it many names,
Friendship still my best resort
Yet there it stared in my face
Undeniably there,an unshakable truth
That sentiment I had shunned and shut away
Here was a boy who made me want to risk it all again!

What If?

Misleading presumptions,
An emotional connect
Or an illusion?
An acquaintance turns into a friend
A kindred spirit, a soul mate?
Hope of the unknown,
Scary yet irresistible.
The shell opens to let the light in
And someone walks out of it.
Someone I didn't know,
Someone who had laid waiting within me
To be coaxed out determinedly yet tender.
She played along,
As the warmth spread with a smile,a glance and a touch.
Smiling from within
Hoping this was different,
A parallel universe.
Feeling a happiness thought impossible.
A happiness- delusional and temporary,
The real thing- an elusive pursuit.
Forever-a myth.
The realisation witnessed a withdrawal,
Self denial.
And then rose the frigid queen
From the remnant ashes.
Burning down bridges and building fences,
Icy exteriors,impenetrable and invulnerable.
Redefining boundaries,
Reaffirming rules that got lost in translation.
No one to blame but fate,
Anger at no one else but the self.
A rebuttal of the self called for
And delivered.
Vulnerability an old loathed foe,
Laughing in my face as I shove him aside.
A question unanswered,
Echoed in the deathly silence
Wondering what if?
A clear incision needed
To bring me clarity through the chaos.
And yet as I fight my inner demons
I hear a voice in my head,
Fettered yet insistent
Pleading helplessly to forget it all.

A Labour of Love...

Inspiration runs dry,
I yearn for poetic romance
And yet I believe in no fairy tale.
Some justice?
Innate sadness, no reason
Elation, no reason.
Fragmented.Disconnected.
Internal struggles for nothing,
The mundane eats into me
As I crave for comfort and affection.
I search, I hunt, I crave
No luck, no grace.
Deliverance not a choice.
I wonder why gloom overwhelms me
Lack of purpose.
I turn to my unfailing solace
With no respite.
Mundane has struck again.
Romance out of the door.
I can write no more.
Disappointment,annoyance.
I pull him back into me...
An extension of me
I refuse to give up
Dying flame.
Ennui, my arch enemy.
The flicker of hope remains
As I make this my premeditated effort
My conviction to retrieve an old flame
My perseverance.
A Labour of Love.

Feeling Faceless...

My happiness,my property
And yet so elusive!
Friendless in a crowd,
Anonymity's curse.
Existence defined by comparison,
Recognition and distinction.
A sudden disconnect
Within and without...
Pointlessness!
Loved but forgotten
In fast busy lives,
A love mystifying
Or imagined?
A sadness overwhelming and utterly painful
So painful its numbing...
And then the cynic raises his head,
Unabashed.
The soul within is solitary
And faceless.
And then one learns to walk alone.
Great minds and souls walked alone...
With just their shadow that walked with them.
They liked it that way
For their shadow was their only true friend...
Intellectuality a sham!
Anger and disregard brewing within
The system dualistic,
No breeding ground for friendship...
And here I stand amidst all this
Waiting for you,
Feeling faceless...