A Reason To Write...

I think I have a reason to write tonight.
Tonight of all nights
Tonight when I sit at my window and think of all things past,
Fleeting memories.
Mine to keep for better and worse.
Tonight when my self righteousness struggles to curb my human imperfections;
My first pangs of jealousy.
I wish to deny it,
Refute its existence
And yet what is left of an innate honesty within
Doesn't allow me
And I succumb.
I suffocate,
Claustrophobic
I feel like an outcast,
Ostracized.
And there sits the reason of my misery blissfully unaware.
I feel like a laughing stock,
I laugh at my naivete
As I fall into the trap
Ensnared by what I thought I was above and beyond.
As realization strikes of a yearning for something I restrain from
Territory I wish not to tread,
Yet want to...
Something I cannot have.

Of Inspiration and Similar notions...

I reach out for my pen to put my thoughts down
In black and white,
And I wonder why I do that...
What joy,
What comfort,
In the written word is it that makes me write?
My inspiration?
I ask myself that question often
Never a concrete answer.
Appreciation
Or distinction?
Or the mere pleasure of creation.
I know not the answer to that.
Yet.
I write as I think to myself
Of things familiar,
Unknown and some imagined.
A random outpouring,
Senseless and yet coherent
The beauty of poetry...
No questions asked
None answered.
The freedom of expression.
Comfort and an unburdening of the soul
Of pleasures and experiences
My poetry
My solace
The foundation of my relationship
That most important relationship...
With the self.

The Other Side of The Mirror...

There was a crowd
A senseless crowd
Utter debauchery
And noone had the faculty of reasoning.
I sat there
A part of the crowd and yet aloof
Atop a stool at a counter
Contemplating over a drink
A drink I didn't want.
And I look at the crowd
Shoving behind me
Knowing not what they wanted
And yet all wanting the same thing.
And then I look back
Into a mirror
Behind the bartender
At a stranger
Who wears my clothes
Resembles me
And is not me
My alter ego.
A detachment occurs
As a numbness sets in
The speakers blare with loud music
Everyone head bangs
The stranger in the mirror sways along
As I look at her
Apparently enjoying the ambience
And yet as I watch
I sense a dormant rebel
Who doesn't quite know what she wants
Acceptance
Or resignation?
This crisis of identity
A Lack of knowledge of one's being
This utter ignorance
How is it preferred?
This facelessness
Anonymity.
And as I ponder I watch
The reflection turn away
An understanding smile escapes me
A deep breath...
And then
She's gone
To get lost in the crowd.
Homogenity
Or a loss of individuality?

And Then...

And then there was love,
An emotion that pervaded my soul
My very existence.
Groping in the darkness,
Looking for a way
Lost!
A feeling I had given up on,
One I didn't think I could feel again.
And then it resurfaced again,
For someone so unlikely,
I smile to myself.
Someone who knows not how I feel,
A friend, an acquaintance.
Who seeps into the corners of my very soul,
So slowly and surely.
And yet unintentionally...
Doesn't do a thing
And still am lost!
And this love is my cross to bear
And so I suffer in silence.
A suffering so beautiful,
It elates me.
Something so concrete
Almost tangible
And yet Elusive!!!

An Impossible Eternity...

Distraction galore happens,
Confusion sets in.
Lost in thought I wander around
About what I know not.
Unsure and unnerved,
This feeling that devours me.
I have not a name for it...
I look for solace in places I had not considered,
Befriending strangers,
Finding common ground in unchartered territory.
Alone in a crowd,
Alienated amongst friends
I look for something,
Something I can't see,
Can't touch.
Something that is a longing for me
A longing for something I do not know.
Is it a feeling,an object or a person?
Ask me not because I know not...
And so I stay lost
In my reverie.
This pondering about something intangible,
So necessary and yet elusive.
Evasive.
I wonder and brood,
Depression???
I ask myself.
There is a deficiency that is in me,
That I cannot seem to fill
Hard as I try.
And I am blessed
No lack of privilege
And yet...
And my trials and my tribulations are mine alone
I realise.
And I realise I am not sad,
I have no regrets
Just thoughts of what has passed,
What was and never will be.
Helpless as I am
I smile at the irony
A bittersweet irony.
A dream of a forever
A forever shattered for good.
An impossible eternity!
A nervousness seeps in
Into the blood that runs through my veins
And into the corners of my soul
Eating into me
My very existence.
The possibilty of the new
Of the unknown.
There is a nervous excitement
Anticipation
Of what can be, might be
And that the heart says
Should be...

To Write or Not...

With a purpose to write
I took up my pen,
To write of things beautiful and romantic
Of things happy and wondrous
And the paper would not fill.
To look for poetry in the mundane
A challenge.
I looked around for inspiration
Running into nothingness.
And then I looked within
At memory and experience.
The writer in me realised
There were things dark and grim
In the crevices of my mind...
Pain and anguish,
Confusion.
Denial.
And yet...
Hope.
And so I wrote of things I knew
Personal and yet universal...
Then flowed the words out of my pen
And then lay my pen to rest.

Lonely Paths

You are born alone
Into this world you are brought in by the Lord.
There are friends and there is family
And yet you are alone.
Alone and you walk
From stepping stone to the next
From role to role,
Living it up!
And yet there is emptiness.
And then you are in a crowd
And you are lonelier still...
And you wait for that someone
That someone you love.
Someone you know loves you
And yet has forgotten you.
And yet you wait, wait in vain?
I wonder,
This I wonder as I wander along my lonely paths...

Survival...

A fading memory
Of a distant past
Long gone
And yet an undeniable truth.
A realisation sinks in of what was
What is.
An ache,
A smile escapes me.
Forgiveness.
Acceptance of what was and will never be again...
And then faith
Hope of new horizons
New priorities
A shift in paradigm.
Hard yet necessary.
Something unfathomable
Sometimes exciting possibilities
Sometimes looming and fearful
The future.
Uncertainties and impossibilities
Imposing and worrisome.
The paradox and the extremes
Painful and yet addictive,
An experience.
I hope and promise myself then
Only to look ahead with undying optimism
And always an unwavering faith
The eternal cycle of life
An inevitable truth.

A Road Less Traveled

An empty void,
A deserted road.
A house in shambles,
Not a soul around...
And that is what my heart is...
Soulless,
Friendless...
I smile and am merry
And then lie awake at night staring at nothingness,
Wondering about the void that is in me.
A void am okay with
That I do not feel the need to fill.
Should I feel sad?
Should I cry?
Or should I be exhilarated
With this new-found independence?
An independence that stops me from being a leech,
A parasite!
And that deserted road, my mind, my heart
Shall have a sole traveler still.
Someone who shall enjoy the journey
And map the road,
A road less traveled into his travel route.
I shall wait and hope for him to revisit
And maybe mark a spot
And lay a foundation...
A foundation he would want to call home one day,
One day,
And then forever...
I hold out for that lone traveler
Who likes the road less traveled,
Unknown territory.
A journey for a few brave men,
For a few good men,
Or better still
That one good brave man...
My lone traveler.
And I think this as I lie there
Staring at the nothingness,
Absolute void,
Within
And without...

Of Words and Gestures...

Sometimes all you need is a kind,considerate word.
Sometimes even that is not enough.
Sometimes they say the thought is all that matters,and yet is isn't is it???
You wanted a thought, you got a word.
You needed a word, you got a gesture...
A gesture...
A signal to the hope that is possible.
A hope long lost
Of goodness,of Humanity.
You lay there at the street corner,
Bleeding,faithless and helpless.
You gave up and lost hope
Thinking it was over and
You were done for.
Death seemed a looming possibility,
Not so far away.
You closed your eyes letting it sink in.
Said a little prayer,
A prayer without hope.
A prayer to a God who had stopped answering long back
A God who had just become an idol on your rack.
And yet you closed your eyes
In silent prayer to a dubious God.
And suddenly you feel a hand on you your shoulder as u lay,
And there she stood looking down at you,
A worried frown,
Some flying tendrils of hair out of her hood.
She took out her tiny white handkerchief,
(Whoever uses those these days???!!!)
And wiped your bloody brow.
You lay there in disbelief
Yet helpless like a baby, you let her help you!
Her rosary beads...
She looked down at you with worried eyes,
And your pain is numb...
Your agony passes
As a tiny smile escapes you.
You smile at the irony
Your lack of faith,
Your irreverence...
And here she was helping you
A Child of God
Who had pledged her life to Him...
And still you lay there,
Disbelieving Ingrate!
You let the smile stay,
She calls out to you...
You close your eyes.
A silent apology,
A return of faith,
A thankful prayer...
And then you peacefully embrace Him...
.... Your Father!

This Life...

Life is an experience
A culmination of experiences.
It never did matter what was good or bad,
All that mattered and still does is that
The lessons are yours to learn
And the mistakes are yours to make.
The sorrows are yours to shed tears on
And the joys are yours to rejoice and celebrate.
One complains and grumbles,
Feels sorry for oneself.
There are regrets,regrets one detests oneself for.
Wishes unfulfilled,
Insatiability at its prime...
Oh the human condition!
The caprice of it all.
Oh whim!Oh fancy!
Ain't you a crime?
A human failing!
Yet an experience in itself.
An experience of a lifetime.
Life is eternal,
It goes on forever,
Only entities change,
And the experience continues.
Value and cherish the experience
While it is still yours to call.
It is a gift of the universe...
This LIFE!!!

A Sister's Tale

She was born

To be my plaything

My beautiful DOLL!

Walking and talking,

Someone I could dress up!

Then I realised she was fragile

I had to be careful.

She was so tiny...

It was okay if I played with her

But everyone wanted to play with her

I didn’t want to share...

And then realisation struck

They only wanted to play with her

I was jealous...

She was COMPETITION!

Then she became a parrot

Annoyed me to the core...

She did everything I did,

Wanted everything I had or wanted.

My RIVAL!

I learnt what was mine

Was hers too.

I learnt she was family,

I learnt she was important.

And then I grew up still

And I had to look out for her

And protect her

And then she was my kid too

My RESPONSIBILITY!

She put her trust in me,

When she looked up at me and silently slid her tiny hand into mine,

I felt she trusted me with her life.

She counted on me to tell her what was good

What was fun and what was right.

She saw the world through my eyes...

Made her judgement through me...

She made me responsible,

She was my student...

And then she grew up

Half child, half woman,

She had learnt to make her choices,

Her own decisions.

It was sure hard to let go,

To watch her grow,

Not needing me anymore.

And just when I thought I was forgotten,

She looked back for approval,

The same trust in her eyes.

Asking for an unsaid promise that said “I will always be there”

I realised she had grown up

And yet she was still there,

Still the same, that baby,

Trusting and helpless.

She had grown up to be my kid

Who made me a friend, motherly and yet a child still!

To my kid sister, Kiddo with love!

On Solitude

Life is about choices,longings,wishes and conflicts..
Its not the external violence that kills but it is truly the internal conflict that can't be survived.
One strives to be a survivor and succeeds too,
But it comes with a price
A price that seems like nothing to those who haven't paid it.
The alienation and disconnectedness,
A sense of not belonging anywhere,dislocated.
A desensitising experience.
A sense of being a rootless traveller on an eternal journey,
A nomad.
The world appreciates your strength,your conviction and has pride in you.
But what pride is there in sheer lonliness???
Because the brave are always the lonliest.....

I...

In a crowd,
I push my way through.
Silent and observant....
Questions exist
But are left unasked.
An understanding of an innate reality,
Makes me ponder and brood.
There's this despair I can't put my finger on.
I watch the world pass by.
Lives entwined in some way or the other.
Family, friends et al.
Yet I am silent and observant..
I walk in and out of here and there
Sometimes in the middle of it all,
Sometimes not at all.
Sometimes I reach out
And at others I need to be found..
And yet at others I just need to hide.
Ah Solitude! My friend you are...
At those times I crave for you
But then you refuse to leave
And then there is the haunting...
I walk back out there
To brave it all...
Am nameless,faceless and aimless,
And yet I walk out there
To brave it all...
And yet it persists.
This disturbing quietude.....!!!!