Conflict...

A wanderer at heart,
Solitude I have reveled in you
My true friend.
And yet there is something amiss and you are not enough
Conflicted between ideals and experience
I wander looking for the missing anchor.
Something once realised, is craved like pure water in the desert
Denial and sufferance a punishment
Silent and painful.
I call upon that bank of moral fiber
Of every shred of strength
To laugh it away.
The frigidity forgotten, a long lost memory
A warmth that spreads through me
Real and all consuming.
The conflict between the desire and the reality
The essence understood yet ignored.
Repress and forget
A terrible but necessary exercise.
Turbulent and troublesome
I abhor myself.
A conflict of affection and the degree
The need and the expectation.
I expected no less.
And wanted no more.
Darkness of wanton desires
Light up the dark crevices of my rudderless mind.
The peace I had the illusion of
Suddenly lost and shattered.
Disappointment and regret
And yet pathetically
Denial.