Somewhere in between....

I lost you...
Somewhere between conversations and silence
I lost you...
Somewhere between holding on and letting go
I lost you...
Somewhere between facing the truth and denial
I lost you...
Somewhere between hurt and resurrection
I lost you...
Somewhere between patience and giving up
I lost you...
Somewhere between longing and forgetting
I lost you...
Somewhere between knowledge and hope
I lost you...
Somewhere between being us and being me
I lost you...
Somewhere between memory and cognition
I lost you...
Somewhere between loneliness and finding myself
I lost you...
Somewhere between being soul-mates and turning strangers
I lost you...
Somewhere between satisfaction and regret
I lost you...
Somewhere between being friends and being in love with you...
And then I realised as I stood by the window that you never left...
And I just stood there
Somewhere in between...

The Schoolgirl

I hate you for the way you smile
And make me twist like a pretzel for you
I hate you for hanging up on me
And making me feel like a schoolgirl
I hate you for the things I want to say
And I choose to camouflage and suppress
I hate you for every lie that I let slip through my lips
And think it will save my face
I hate you for the times you don't turn up
And I lie to myself that I don't care
I hate you for the bond we share,
And something else, something more
I hate you for the way you make me feel
Weak in the knees and the knot in my stomach
And most of all I hate you for the fact
That no matter what you do
I don't hate you, not a bit, not at all

Conflict...

A wanderer at heart,
Solitude I have reveled in you
My true friend.
And yet there is something amiss and you are not enough
Conflicted between ideals and experience
I wander looking for the missing anchor.
Something once realised, is craved like pure water in the desert
Denial and sufferance a punishment
Silent and painful.
I call upon that bank of moral fiber
Of every shred of strength
To laugh it away.
The frigidity forgotten, a long lost memory
A warmth that spreads through me
Real and all consuming.
The conflict between the desire and the reality
The essence understood yet ignored.
Repress and forget
A terrible but necessary exercise.
Turbulent and troublesome
I abhor myself.
A conflict of affection and the degree
The need and the expectation.
I expected no less.
And wanted no more.
Darkness of wanton desires
Light up the dark crevices of my rudderless mind.
The peace I had the illusion of
Suddenly lost and shattered.
Disappointment and regret
And yet pathetically
Denial.

Along Came A Boy...

He sauntered in nonchalantly,
Not just through the doors
But head-along into my life.
My regimented choc-a-bloc life that I had put together,
Closed from within to interference.
He just glided right in with his goodwill and open heart.
Unassuming and unobtrusive,
I got used to his ways.
A shared joke,
A twinkling eye and the winsome smile
Yes, we were friends for sure!
Two kindred spirits similar yet unfamiliar,
Pleasant surprise as the lives twined in each other,
Inevitable and unquestioning.
The camaraderie so natural
It was baffling.
My guards went down ready to go up at the shortest notice
As I watched guarded at every action, every silence.
The more I saw the more I wanted to know
To befriend and embrace an untapped happiness.
The missing piece to the puzzle of my life.
All tales foretold and expectations aside
Here was a fondness I couldn't suppress,
A fondness that seemed to know no bounds...
I called it many names,
Friendship still my best resort
Yet there it stared in my face
Undeniably there,an unshakable truth
That sentiment I had shunned and shut away
Here was a boy who made me want to risk it all again!

What If?

Misleading presumptions,
An emotional connect
Or an illusion?
An acquaintance turns into a friend
A kindred spirit, a soul mate?
Hope of the unknown,
Scary yet irresistible.
The shell opens to let the light in
And someone walks out of it.
Someone I didn't know,
Someone who had laid waiting within me
To be coaxed out determinedly yet tender.
She played along,
As the warmth spread with a smile,a glance and a touch.
Smiling from within
Hoping this was different,
A parallel universe.
Feeling a happiness thought impossible.
A happiness- delusional and temporary,
The real thing- an elusive pursuit.
Forever-a myth.
The realisation witnessed a withdrawal,
Self denial.
And then rose the frigid queen
From the remnant ashes.
Burning down bridges and building fences,
Icy exteriors,impenetrable and invulnerable.
Redefining boundaries,
Reaffirming rules that got lost in translation.
No one to blame but fate,
Anger at no one else but the self.
A rebuttal of the self called for
And delivered.
Vulnerability an old loathed foe,
Laughing in my face as I shove him aside.
A question unanswered,
Echoed in the deathly silence
Wondering what if?
A clear incision needed
To bring me clarity through the chaos.
And yet as I fight my inner demons
I hear a voice in my head,
Fettered yet insistent
Pleading helplessly to forget it all.