Along Came A Boy...

He sauntered in nonchalantly,
Not just through the doors
But head-along into my life.
My regimented choc-a-bloc life that I had put together,
Closed from within to interference.
He just glided right in with his goodwill and open heart.
Unassuming and unobtrusive,
I got used to his ways.
A shared joke,
A twinkling eye and the winsome smile
Yes, we were friends for sure!
Two kindred spirits similar yet unfamiliar,
Pleasant surprise as the lives twined in each other,
Inevitable and unquestioning.
The camaraderie so natural
It was baffling.
My guards went down ready to go up at the shortest notice
As I watched guarded at every action, every silence.
The more I saw the more I wanted to know
To befriend and embrace an untapped happiness.
The missing piece to the puzzle of my life.
All tales foretold and expectations aside
Here was a fondness I couldn't suppress,
A fondness that seemed to know no bounds...
I called it many names,
Friendship still my best resort
Yet there it stared in my face
Undeniably there,an unshakable truth
That sentiment I had shunned and shut away
Here was a boy who made me want to risk it all again!

What If?

Misleading presumptions,
An emotional connect
Or an illusion?
An acquaintance turns into a friend
A kindred spirit, a soul mate?
Hope of the unknown,
Scary yet irresistible.
The shell opens to let the light in
And someone walks out of it.
Someone I didn't know,
Someone who had laid waiting within me
To be coaxed out determinedly yet tender.
She played along,
As the warmth spread with a smile,a glance and a touch.
Smiling from within
Hoping this was different,
A parallel universe.
Feeling a happiness thought impossible.
A happiness- delusional and temporary,
The real thing- an elusive pursuit.
Forever-a myth.
The realisation witnessed a withdrawal,
Self denial.
And then rose the frigid queen
From the remnant ashes.
Burning down bridges and building fences,
Icy exteriors,impenetrable and invulnerable.
Redefining boundaries,
Reaffirming rules that got lost in translation.
No one to blame but fate,
Anger at no one else but the self.
A rebuttal of the self called for
And delivered.
Vulnerability an old loathed foe,
Laughing in my face as I shove him aside.
A question unanswered,
Echoed in the deathly silence
Wondering what if?
A clear incision needed
To bring me clarity through the chaos.
And yet as I fight my inner demons
I hear a voice in my head,
Fettered yet insistent
Pleading helplessly to forget it all.

A Labour of Love...

Inspiration runs dry,
I yearn for poetic romance
And yet I believe in no fairy tale.
Some justice?
Innate sadness, no reason
Elation, no reason.
Fragmented.Disconnected.
Internal struggles for nothing,
The mundane eats into me
As I crave for comfort and affection.
I search, I hunt, I crave
No luck, no grace.
Deliverance not a choice.
I wonder why gloom overwhelms me
Lack of purpose.
I turn to my unfailing solace
With no respite.
Mundane has struck again.
Romance out of the door.
I can write no more.
Disappointment,annoyance.
I pull him back into me...
An extension of me
I refuse to give up
Dying flame.
Ennui, my arch enemy.
The flicker of hope remains
As I make this my premeditated effort
My conviction to retrieve an old flame
My perseverance.
A Labour of Love.

Feeling Faceless...

My happiness,my property
And yet so elusive!
Friendless in a crowd,
Anonymity's curse.
Existence defined by comparison,
Recognition and distinction.
A sudden disconnect
Within and without...
Pointlessness!
Loved but forgotten
In fast busy lives,
A love mystifying
Or imagined?
A sadness overwhelming and utterly painful
So painful its numbing...
And then the cynic raises his head,
Unabashed.
The soul within is solitary
And faceless.
And then one learns to walk alone.
Great minds and souls walked alone...
With just their shadow that walked with them.
They liked it that way
For their shadow was their only true friend...
Intellectuality a sham!
Anger and disregard brewing within
The system dualistic,
No breeding ground for friendship...
And here I stand amidst all this
Waiting for you,
Feeling faceless...

Not Just Yet...

You made me feel I could hope again
You made me feel that I could be whole again
You made me put the pieces of my broken heart together again
You became my closest friend again.
You strove past the barriers I had carefully built,
Barriers that effortlessly slipped away.
You willed me into giving in,
And became the friend I didn't know I had been yearning for-
That friend I saw myself being my truest self with...
The friend I aspire to be,
The friend I had always prayed for.
I wished to be your best friend,
The friend you quickly became to me,
The friend you said you yearned for too.

And somewhere deep inside,
Long gone, lost, forgotten and well-hidden
Was the memory of this little girl who had played silly games with you- partners in crime.
The girl who built sand castles by the sea,
The girl who played with dragon-flies.
That girl who grew up to dream of white horses and glass sandals,
Of fairy tale endings and princes.
The girl whose dreams got shattered by a fake prince.
That girl who turned into a woman stern,
Strong-willed, stubborn and unyielding like bitter cold.
Then you sauntered back in like a summer breeze,
Springtime, refreshing and inevitable,
Tapping memories of a past forgotten,
Did you notice how old we had gotten?
I was exhilirated and petrified...
What if I was chalk and you were cheese?
But we worked our way past through niceties
Without pretence or formalities!
It was like no time had passed
Between the children we were and when we met at last.
You were a stranger I knew so well,
A familiar strangeness, a charm of its own.

And dare I say I hoped again,
To look past barriers, so not there.
And as the hope arose
Of calling a friendship so cherished something more,
I ventured into unchartered territories
Blowing sometimes hot and sometimes cold...
As I questioned my intentions and yours
I was guilty of daring to hope
Of something I have refused to acknowledge- a distant forgotten emotion,
Was this it?
Could it be?

And so I confided in my new found friend,elated,
One who I hoped would understand, reciprocate and embrace...
Then watched the assurance slip away
As I watched the familiar yet strange back turn away
Something dimmed.
A closing door...
Something shifted, the familiarity slipping away.
As I watched the water slipping through my fingers,
I quietly hoped for it to be a returning tide...

I made you literature,unrequited...
Weaning myself away, building up my old guard again.
I withdrew, strong-willed and stern,
You would never know how much I yearn.
In all earnestness,
Pulling away
But not giving up,
Not Just Yet...