Something Surreal...

There is a need for a universe. 

A parallel dimension

Where life is as I see it

But is only heightened, more alive 

For I share it with you.

You, there. 

By choice

By the deep belief I have 

In this feeling brewing within

Of a future foreseen

In confidence

And faith in the existence of everything around that does.

Profound and a given

Undeniable like the wind that you don't see, but feel.

In the parallel dimension, we already exist in harmony 

Inseparable, surreal

Unstoppable, accepted. 

And I lie here in faith, 

Deep, blind almost superstitious

That the two shall meet in this dimension

And in every other there in, within or without

In the here and now

And there and then. 

In the past, present and the future. 

Always.

All in You...

I smile at the thought of you 

I believe that you will protect my pride like a true kindred 

I dream of you with eyes wide open.

And yet I sleep in peace at night
I fall in love with you a little more 

With each passing day 

Every nugget of information about you
I store away with pride and care 

Like it was my own
I see you made of the same element as I am.

I see my reflection

Altered but intact in you. 

I see you in your reality and mine,
I see us as two individuals 

Different and yet the same. 

I see you as a part of my Soul. 

For just when I had given up

Just when I thought I had had my share

Just when I thought it was over

I found you
And I am schoolgirl again...

Go where you may

Be who you will be with 

For in all this and more 

I watch you, know you and see you as mine.....

Ardor: An Unexplored Existence..

Dark crevices,
Flesh on flesh
Lust dark and pure
Eyes longing.
Electricity...
His hands on her
Exploring the terrain
Like an intrepid explorer.
Her curves melting, undulating twists and turns...
Limbs entwined.
In the dark corners of her wanton mind,
His lustful eyes
The wallflower in her
Blooming like a wild rose in the desert.
He experienced, virile and grey
She untouched, pristine and lithe like a fawn.
She curious like a newborn child,
He like an indulgent patron satisfying her every whim.
Indulge me, devour me, hypnotise me
She said, screaming into the night.
Time stood still in that timeless place.
The heights of ecstasy, unknown to her
A surprise to him, an unexpected joy
Piqued his dormant curiosity
Just when he thought he could feel nothing new,
See nothing unspoiled, fresh.
And yet ... there he was in alien territory
Discovered yet unexplored.
Her screams sending a chill down his spine as he found himself
Spiraling down into an inviting abyss
Where inexplicable joy and tearing pain
Elation and scathing fear
Embraced like old parted friends.
She molded into him, an unknown release to her caged wanton spirit.
And in the dark recesses of his mind,
Somewhere he was bound and chained forever!

Somewhere in between....

I lost you...
Somewhere between conversations and silence
I lost you...
Somewhere between holding on and letting go
I lost you...
Somewhere between facing the truth and denial
I lost you...
Somewhere between hurt and resurrection
I lost you...
Somewhere between patience and giving up
I lost you...
Somewhere between longing and forgetting
I lost you...
Somewhere between knowledge and hope
I lost you...
Somewhere between being us and being me
I lost you...
Somewhere between memory and cognition
I lost you...
Somewhere between loneliness and finding myself
I lost you...
Somewhere between being soul-mates and turning strangers
I lost you...
Somewhere between satisfaction and regret
I lost you...
Somewhere between being friends and being in love with you...
And then I realised as I stood by the window that you never left...
And I just stood there
Somewhere in between...

The Schoolgirl

I hate you for the way you smile
And make me twist like a pretzel for you
I hate you for hanging up on me
And making me feel like a schoolgirl
I hate you for the things I want to say
And I choose to camouflage and suppress
I hate you for every lie that I let slip through my lips
And think it will save my face
I hate you for the times you don't turn up
And I lie to myself that I don't care
I hate you for the bond we share,
And something else, something more
I hate you for the way you make me feel
Weak in the knees and the knot in my stomach
And most of all I hate you for the fact
That no matter what you do
I don't hate you, not a bit, not at all

Conflict...

A wanderer at heart,
Solitude I have reveled in you
My true friend.
And yet there is something amiss and you are not enough
Conflicted between ideals and experience
I wander looking for the missing anchor.
Something once realised, is craved like pure water in the desert
Denial and sufferance a punishment
Silent and painful.
I call upon that bank of moral fiber
Of every shred of strength
To laugh it away.
The frigidity forgotten, a long lost memory
A warmth that spreads through me
Real and all consuming.
The conflict between the desire and the reality
The essence understood yet ignored.
Repress and forget
A terrible but necessary exercise.
Turbulent and troublesome
I abhor myself.
A conflict of affection and the degree
The need and the expectation.
I expected no less.
And wanted no more.
Darkness of wanton desires
Light up the dark crevices of my rudderless mind.
The peace I had the illusion of
Suddenly lost and shattered.
Disappointment and regret
And yet pathetically
Denial.

Along Came A Boy...

He sauntered in nonchalantly,
Not just through the doors
But head-along into my life.
My regimented choc-a-bloc life that I had put together,
Closed from within to interference.
He just glided right in with his goodwill and open heart.
Unassuming and unobtrusive,
I got used to his ways.
A shared joke,
A twinkling eye and the winsome smile
Yes, we were friends for sure!
Two kindred spirits similar yet unfamiliar,
Pleasant surprise as the lives twined in each other,
Inevitable and unquestioning.
The camaraderie so natural
It was baffling.
My guards went down ready to go up at the shortest notice
As I watched guarded at every action, every silence.
The more I saw the more I wanted to know
To befriend and embrace an untapped happiness.
The missing piece to the puzzle of my life.
All tales foretold and expectations aside
Here was a fondness I couldn't suppress,
A fondness that seemed to know no bounds...
I called it many names,
Friendship still my best resort
Yet there it stared in my face
Undeniably there,an unshakable truth
That sentiment I had shunned and shut away
Here was a boy who made me want to risk it all again!

What If?

Misleading presumptions,
An emotional connect
Or an illusion?
An acquaintance turns into a friend
A kindred spirit, a soul mate?
Hope of the unknown,
Scary yet irresistible.
The shell opens to let the light in
And someone walks out of it.
Someone I didn't know,
Someone who had laid waiting within me
To be coaxed out determinedly yet tender.
She played along,
As the warmth spread with a smile,a glance and a touch.
Smiling from within
Hoping this was different,
A parallel universe.
Feeling a happiness thought impossible.
A happiness- delusional and temporary,
The real thing- an elusive pursuit.
Forever-a myth.
The realisation witnessed a withdrawal,
Self denial.
And then rose the frigid queen
From the remnant ashes.
Burning down bridges and building fences,
Icy exteriors,impenetrable and invulnerable.
Redefining boundaries,
Reaffirming rules that got lost in translation.
No one to blame but fate,
Anger at no one else but the self.
A rebuttal of the self called for
And delivered.
Vulnerability an old loathed foe,
Laughing in my face as I shove him aside.
A question unanswered,
Echoed in the deathly silence
Wondering what if?
A clear incision needed
To bring me clarity through the chaos.
And yet as I fight my inner demons
I hear a voice in my head,
Fettered yet insistent
Pleading helplessly to forget it all.

A Labour of Love...

Inspiration runs dry,
I yearn for poetic romance
And yet I believe in no fairy tale.
Some justice?
Innate sadness, no reason
Elation, no reason.
Fragmented.Disconnected.
Internal struggles for nothing,
The mundane eats into me
As I crave for comfort and affection.
I search, I hunt, I crave
No luck, no grace.
Deliverance not a choice.
I wonder why gloom overwhelms me
Lack of purpose.
I turn to my unfailing solace
With no respite.
Mundane has struck again.
Romance out of the door.
I can write no more.
Disappointment,annoyance.
I pull him back into me...
An extension of me
I refuse to give up
Dying flame.
Ennui, my arch enemy.
The flicker of hope remains
As I make this my premeditated effort
My conviction to retrieve an old flame
My perseverance.
A Labour of Love.

Feeling Faceless...

My happiness,my property
And yet so elusive!
Friendless in a crowd,
Anonymity's curse.
Existence defined by comparison,
Recognition and distinction.
A sudden disconnect
Within and without...
Pointlessness!
Loved but forgotten
In fast busy lives,
A love mystifying
Or imagined?
A sadness overwhelming and utterly painful
So painful its numbing...
And then the cynic raises his head,
Unabashed.
The soul within is solitary
And faceless.
And then one learns to walk alone.
Great minds and souls walked alone...
With just their shadow that walked with them.
They liked it that way
For their shadow was their only true friend...
Intellectuality a sham!
Anger and disregard brewing within
The system dualistic,
No breeding ground for friendship...
And here I stand amidst all this
Waiting for you,
Feeling faceless...

Not Just Yet...

You made me feel I could hope again
You made me feel that I could be whole again
You made me put the pieces of my broken heart together again
You became my closest friend again.
You strove past the barriers I had carefully built,
Barriers that effortlessly slipped away.
You willed me into giving in,
And became the friend I didn't know I had been yearning for-
That friend I saw myself being my truest self with...
The friend I aspire to be,
The friend I had always prayed for.
I wished to be your best friend,
The friend you quickly became to me,
The friend you said you yearned for too.

And somewhere deep inside,
Long gone, lost, forgotten and well-hidden
Was the memory of this little girl who had played silly games with you- partners in crime.
The girl who built sand castles by the sea,
The girl who played with dragon-flies.
That girl who grew up to dream of white horses and glass sandals,
Of fairy tale endings and princes.
The girl whose dreams got shattered by a fake prince.
That girl who turned into a woman stern,
Strong-willed, stubborn and unyielding like bitter cold.
Then you sauntered back in like a summer breeze,
Springtime, refreshing and inevitable,
Tapping memories of a past forgotten,
Did you notice how old we had gotten?
I was exhilirated and petrified...
What if I was chalk and you were cheese?
But we worked our way past through niceties
Without pretence or formalities!
It was like no time had passed
Between the children we were and when we met at last.
You were a stranger I knew so well,
A familiar strangeness, a charm of its own.

And dare I say I hoped again,
To look past barriers, so not there.
And as the hope arose
Of calling a friendship so cherished something more,
I ventured into unchartered territories
Blowing sometimes hot and sometimes cold...
As I questioned my intentions and yours
I was guilty of daring to hope
Of something I have refused to acknowledge- a distant forgotten emotion,
Was this it?
Could it be?

And so I confided in my new found friend,elated,
One who I hoped would understand, reciprocate and embrace...
Then watched the assurance slip away
As I watched the familiar yet strange back turn away
Something dimmed.
A closing door...
Something shifted, the familiarity slipping away.
As I watched the water slipping through my fingers,
I quietly hoped for it to be a returning tide...

I made you literature,unrequited...
Weaning myself away, building up my old guard again.
I withdrew, strong-willed and stern,
You would never know how much I yearn.
In all earnestness,
Pulling away
But not giving up,
Not Just Yet...

A Tryst with the City...

Out in a city, so familiar and yet so strange. Walking through streets unfamiliar,unknown to me in a city I claim to know so well. It was one of those long weekends, when you plan to run away into the hills ...what do I say so was I longing to run away from the hustle-bustle of the city. Claustrophobia. And then a sudden decision to walk out with a kindred spirit into the lanes of this city that has taken me in...Both of us in different places in our lives, caught up in our own preoccupations, stepped out to experience this city that had made us what we had become. She, cherishing every moment as she prepared to start over anew, me an unwilling tourist in my own city.

Something about the rooftop restaurant, Sam's Cafe, hidden in a corner of one of the streets of Paharganj, touched a chord in me, making me feel like I was in a new place, a side I had never seen before to a city so familiar.Something about seeing the city in a different light, from that rooftop, answered my wanderlust and made me find peace with myself, putting the restlessness stirring within me to rest for a while at least,if not for good. As we both sat there , lost in our own thoughts, no necessity of conversation, the ease silence settled in, oh so precious and rare and only possible with truly close friends.

Conversation interspersed with bites of food and sips of beverages of our choice. She, looking around disinterestedly, me scribbling away in my journal. Conversations surrounded us, some in foreign tongues, some familiar and some just static. But there we sat, preocccupied, satisfied for the moment, over a meal, as the lazy sunny Saturday afternoon gave way to a pleasant evening.

We sat there, lost in our own thoughts,watching the birds fly homewards...

Sometimes Me...

Sometimes I want to fly,
Sometimes to stand still...
Sometimes I am a fighter
Sometimes I struggle to survive.
And then there are times that I gush like a waterfall,
At others still am as still as a smooth flowing river.
Sometimes am a dreamer,
Sometimes a cynic...
Sometimes questioning
At others all knowing...
Sometimes the student
At others mentoring.
Sometimes game,
Sometimes unwilling...
Sometimes emancipated
Sometimes repressed
And now something stirs deep within me...
A divine discontent
Of what was
And of an innocence lost
An overwhelming of the self
With inner struggles and private conflicts,
With things said and others left unsaid,
With loud victories, unvoiced expectations and quiet disappointments.
Adulthood or self discovery?
No one knows
And no one can tell...

A Beautiful Violence...

I stay calm in the face of rage
A rage so tangible, I could reach out and burn.
And I wish to burn,
Burn in the fury and the rage I feel.
The passion I want to be devoured by
Burn whole!
Oh how I hate this need,
This desire,
This need.
The craving for a touch
Discreet and some more.
And yes the sheer violence of it all...
A Beautiful Violence!

Reacquainting the Selves Within Me..

Standing at crossroads, I don't know where the paths lead
I tread tentatively on that path that appears to promise eternal happiness
Unsure after a loss of faith;ready to flee at the slightest turbulence and am no coward!
Of star-crossed lovers and fortune-tellers,
Nomads and travellers...I wonder ever curious, ever dubious
A willingness to be swept away but held back by an old friend,
My old friend who has served me well, saved me from blunders
My friend- the good old voice of Reason!
The cynicism that set in a while back makes me apprehensive and dubious...
Someone inside me wants to break free with reckless abandon
And I didn't even know she was trapped in there...
I struggle to reach out and know her
The dreamer in me...
Sometimes I fear I have come too far to tread back
But rediscovering the self is more often than not an interesting journey
And what triggers it no one knows
Sometimes something an old friend says,
Sometimes a line you read in a book,
Sometimes the yearning to share yourself with someone
Sometimes the need to be something more...
So my ever curious, ever dubious self reaches within to my past dreamer self
Daring her to dream her dreams
Dreams of all kinds
Of achievement, of love, of greater truths
With a quiet guarantee,
A silent promise of deliverance!!!

Void...

Lost in thought, utter confusion, I often lose sight of realities, of actual possibilities, more often than not, projecting my wishful thinking onto people and things. However sometimes I wonder, if this delusion is only mine or a shared human experience. One can never know for no one will ever admit to this vulnerability. This vulnerability which one desires to makes one strength yet again wishfully.
How often have I have thought that there is reciprocation when in fact nothing existed there, nothing at all!

Of Desirable Disasters...

When a schoolgirl comes alive
In a grown woman
Caution goes out of the window
As emotions take over.
When the heart wants to do somersaults
At a single sight.
When all you want to do is
Scream from the rooftops
And you simply have to hold your silence.
Know that when your mind wanders
Into unknown places
Out of the blue.
You are headed for disaster
That desirable disaster- LOVE!

Bittersweet Defeat...

In this life of dreary habit
You offer some solace.
And yet I hate you
Not for who you are
But for who you make me.
Silly putty,
A plaything
My heart is at your will
To twist this way or that.
Precious ego
A battle of wills.
I want to give in
And flow away in the river,
The river of utter emotion.
And yet I refuse to,
A refusal to accept defeat
Self preservation.
A defeat which would be sweet
If you gave in too.
Two souls worlds apart
And yet poetically similar
Two halves that could come together and mesh
Mesh till they are inseparable
Homogeneous.
As I drown
Reason
My last straw
A struggle for survival,
Constant and endless.
I await the embrace of defeat
Which holds much promise
Bittersweet
If only you could embrace the courage
To give in too...

Un-inspired

Lack of inspiration
An intellectual drought
Emotions tapped dry.
The poet muses
The artist despairs
For art suffers.
Tragedy,
Heroism,
Romance and varied passions
Human emotions
Source of poetry.

The commoner is immune
To such troubles
For to him it is but a passing fancy.
As art dies
An inconspicuous death
The commoner lives on in ignorance.
Mediocrity rules,
Inglorious bastard!

When shall justice speak up
Poetic justice?
A lost, forgotten history
Pain-stricken yet wasted.
Disheartening
For the Artist who thrives on art
To watch from the sidelines
This ruination.
Hopeless and helpless;
An eternal suffering
This famine!

A Different Kind of Faith...

"The world is afflicted with death and decay, therefore the wise do not grieve, knowing the ways of the world"--- Old Buddhist Saying

When one is rational, practical, whatever, is one truly heartless? Is that what one is doing when one is doing the right thing?The strong, the sensible thing?
It is not that stoicism is above and beyond pain or grief. It in fact is the realisation and acceptance of the 'Big Plan' that one has no control over. And this has nothing to do with whether one is spiritual, religious or an atheist. Even when one lacks faith (or what is the popular idea of faith), in true stoicism over loss, over pain, in hardships, one is exemplar of true faith. If nothing else, for the want of a better word, faith in the human condition, with all its connections and failings. And therefore I believe that the true stoic is all heart. A braver heart maybe but still all heart... :)